First to fall and last to know

I loved him so fiercely it hurt. I knew that I'd never love anyone else the way I loved him. And that was the point. Because I knew I couldn't go through this pain again if anythin ever happen to him.
- Letters to a love rat; Niamh Greene

He deserved better: I was a mess, and even though he was being kind and supportive, he must have been sick of me. I didn't tell him all this hough - better to let him think that I was leaving him because I didn't love him anymore. Better that he hated me. I hated myself.
- Letters to a love rat; Niamh Greene

You bite your lip; you keep pretending that you're made of stone.
You never let it show, but darling, everybody knows.

How long, can I wait here?
I'm all torn, by your words.
I'm broken, yet we're still burning,
Just hold on till the end.
Cross out the stars; Fightstar

I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything
Hurt; Fightstar

Ever since I was young I never understood anything about the world, and I never understood anything that happened in my life. The only thing that ever made sense to me was you, and how I felt about you. That's all I've ever known and that's enough, that's enough for me for the rest of my life.

“Pain, you just have to ride it out, hope it goes away on its own, hope the wound that caused it heals. There are no solutions, no easy answers, you just breath deep and wait for it to subside. Most of the time pain can be managed but sometimes the pain gets you where you least expect it. Hits way below the belt and doesn't let up. Pain, you just have to fight through, because the truth is you can't outrun it and life always makes more.”

Then she cried; consumed with the chock, the lonliness, the feeling of terror that she had flashed through her. She cried silent freat heaving sobs, fat tears spilling out of her, dropping between her legs into the gutter. She felt toally alone; powerless with nowhere to turn.
- A hopeless romantic; Harriet Evans

Her stomach clenched in sharp pain and her heart beat so loudly in her chest she felt it might burst. It was over. And so was that part of herself. When she thought about how she'd misjudged it, how she'd run ahead and fallen in love with him without stopping to look at whether he was the person she thought he was - well, she wanted to kick herself. Except this wasn't the first time and she knew enough to recognise she'd done it before. One thing was for sure, though: it was the last time.
- A hopeless romantic; Harriet Evans

This man, whom she'd thought was The One. He wasn't. Boy, he wasn't. Waiting for Mr Right, The One, the great, great romance, was a waste of time - it had been a waste of time, and that's what she'd been getting rong all these years.
- A hopeless romanttic; Harriet Evans

She wasn't there yet, but it didn't actually hurt so much, suddenly the whole thing didn't. She hadn't thought about it, couldn't bear to, and now she said it she realised it seemed - a million years away.
- A hopeless romantic; Harriet Evans.

She had never felt more alone, mre out of place, more unwanted. It was an odd sensation, the numbness before the real pain kicked in. She didn't know which was worse.
- A hopeless romantic; Harriet Evans

I have a dilemma. Ughr. I really hate my life right now. And I was in a really bad place on my earlier post.

Okay, so the story so far. Me and my ex are back talking/seeing/kissing etc. It's like we're goin out but we're not. And I like it because I can talk to other people, I can flirt with other people and have fun. I haven't met up with anyone else or kissed anyone else though because my ex has said he'll do somethin stupid if I ever break his heart.

So I'm stuck. Because part of me does want to move on. But I still love him. I will always love him. I just don't want to be in a relationship at all or even act like I'm in one. Well, that's a lie. I can't be in a relationship with him because my parents would kick me out if they even knew I was talking to him. They hate him for what he did to me.

And I've had three offers this week for people to meet up with me. And I've said no to every one. Even though this one guy was so hot. He's called Dylan and he's gorgeous. But he seems like someone who is too goodlooking for me and will think I'm ugly and never talk to me again. But I would meet him if it wasn't for my ex falling out with me for it.

I just don't know what to do. I can't see other people cos it would destroy my ex. But I think it's finally time for me and my ex to move on from each other. We can't ever be together again so we need to move on, we have no choice.

It's not that I don't love. I love him much more than possible. I can't describe the amount of unconditional love I will always have for him. If I believed in soul mates, he would be mine. If I could marry someone, it would be him. I just know it's impossible. Always impossible.

Advice anyone?

:'(

I want to die. I actually do. I want to go out there and just jump in front of the first car and hope it kills me with one blow. Or maybe even jump off a bridge. Cutting doesn't do anything anymore. I should just remember I'm an ugly, fat slut like he just told me.

I hope I die soon.

A girl with a smile that can take your breath away...

Comments? Subs? Please?

Even though you're gone and far away, I feel you all around.
I think about it every single day, You got away somehow.

The first one is the worst one, When it comes to a broken heart.
Your first love, yeah, you're so young, And you feel like a fallin' star.

I used to be love drunk, but now I’m hung over.
I’ll love you forever, but now it’s over

The first star I see may not be a star.
I can't do a thing but wait. So I'll wait for one more.

I tear myself open, I sew myself shut.
My weakness is that I care too much.
My scars remind me that the past is real.
I tear my heart open, just to feel.

Lying; I still can't find the truth, so I spin another lie on you.
I'm hoping you'll eat my every word, doesn't it taste so good?
But deep inside I'm dying.

My hands are stained red from the blood that dripped down from my wrists.

Compared to your eyes nothing shines quite as bright and when we look to the sky it's not mine but I want it so.

These words are never easier for me to say or her to second guess but I guess that I can live without you but without I'll be miserable as best.

Nothing feels like home, you're a thousand miles away and the hardest part of living is just taking breaths to stay.

Forgive me I'm trying to find my calling I'm calling at night. I don't mean to be a bother but have you seen this girl? She's been running through my dreams, and it's driving me crazy it seems. I'm going to ask her to marry me.

Might add more later. Sorry it's not very good. Blahhhhhh >.<

I was so empty, self loathing before you woke me

My ex, Jack, strarted speaking to me again. Telling me how much he misses me, how he can never get over me and how he wishes we were back together.

He knows I still love him. He knows it kills me to think about him, let alone talk to him. And even though talking to him is tearing me apart, I can't stop.

How am I ever going to get over him?

I don't know what to do anymore. I just feel like I'm always going to be this depressed, moping, self hating girl who will never get over her teenage love.

Help?

It's time you understood; we're better off as two.

I love him; and that, not because he's handsome Nelly, but because he's more myself than I am. Where our souls are made of, his and mine are the same.
- Wuthering Heights

She was fated, sure to die.

So tonight I'll cut my throat and free myself from this pain.

I love you, not because you're adorable or because you're sweet, or because you're my best friend. I love you because you make me step outside myself and look at who I really am. You make me want to be a better person, just because you are who you are.
- x__selfdestruction

You can't stop loving or wanting to love because when it's right, it's the best thing in the world. When you're in a relationship, and it's good, even if nothing else in your life is right, you feel like your life is complete.

I'm not perfect. I'll annoy you, make you angry, say stupid things and take them back all the time. But if you put all that aside, if you look beneath my flaws, you will never find a girl who cares more about you than me.

I will never ever forget about you, you are everything to me, my entire world. You hold my heart in the pal of the hand, and there it will stay, forever.

You will never forget your first love. That's what makes it so special. You love so hard, so deeply, and so intensely because you don't know any different, and you never want to know any different.

It will always be me and you. Why? Because to me, you're everything I've always needed, and that's the kind of love you can't let go of. You will always be able to have me, and that is something I can promise you.
- x__selfdestruction

Dear Jack,
I've sat here and I've been thinking about how to start and what to write. And all I can write to you is how I feel; not when we first met but about how I feel about you now, because isn't that all that matters? All that matters is now and how we feel in this moment. More important is that I tell you this, before you go, before I let you go and it's too late.
Honestly, I don't know how I'm meant to be feeling or what I should be thinking. Is it wrong of me not to trust you or believe a word you say? But would it be wrong of me to trust you completely again? I don't even know what I should be thinking, but there are so many things I am certain of.
I am certan that you will always be able to have me, under any circumstances and I will never ever be able to forget you. I don't want to forget you, or the touch of your skin, the feel of your breath on my cheek, the smell of you, the beauty of your eyes. I hope we always stay the way we once were. I know that if you can wait and are willing to wait for me then one day things will be the same, for I love you with everything I have. You have taught me how to love when I never though I could, you have taught me that not everyone is shallw, not everyone is the same. You are so amazingly different to everyone else and you took the time to know me when I didn't even know myself. I've grown because of you. You made me believe that somewhere, somehow, everyone is beautiful, even me. You gave me a chance, I chance I never deserved, not in the slightest.
You are so kind, caring, sweet, loving and just amazing in every single way possible. You loves me when I couldnt love myself and you taught me that to love and be loved in return is one of the greatest, beautiful things there is in life.
But I was scared to love. Lovng someone means you open your heart to them and you are completely vunerable to anything. You have to trust that person with your heart; you have to trust them not to smash it into a billion pieces, you need to know they will cherish it with everything they have, hold it and love it back in return. I gave you my heart and I can honestly say I've never regretted it. I trusted you with my heart, I trusted you not to never break it. I guess at some point, all trust is lost.
I've been writing this for a while now, and what can I say that I haven't said a billion times before?
You know the first time I saw you, I couldn't take my eyes off of you, I don't know, it seeed like there was something there. A spark. I'm not saying it was love at first sight, I don't believe in that, but me and you had this amazing connection, and you can't deny that we were meant to be, we are meant to be.
I can promise you that you are good enough for me, you were always good enough for me because you make me happy, you brighten my day, you make my heart skip a beat when I see you, you make me smile more than I imagined possible, you give me butterflies and you sang to me. You sang to me when you never wanted to, and it was the sweetest music I'd ever heard. You're singing made this day perfect; you will make any day perfect because you are perfect.
I'm certain that we will always be in each others lives because I will never ever be able to forget you or let you go and I don't want to let you go because you complete my life. I don't want anyone else to ever have you. I will never let you out of my life because I truly feel I need you in order to live, in order to make my life worthwhile. You fill an empty hole in my heart, and when I'm not with you I feel so empty and numb Without you I would be lost and I don't actually think I could cope as you are my life, you are the reason I live and you will always be the reason I live.
I love you so so much, my heart feels like it will explode holding all this love for you. I can't even explain how I love you because words are not enough. Nothing will ever be enough to show you how much I love you.
I love how you fold me when I'm crying because you make me feel like everything will be okay, and you make me feel safe. I love how you hug me, like you never want to let me go, I love how you kiss me because it always feels like it's the last time everytime and you never want to stop. I just love everything about you and being with you. You are my knight in shining armour, my hero, my everything. I'm never going to let you go because you are everything to me and everyone says it's ridiculous because I'm young but you are the only person I want to hold my hand for the rest of my life.
I feel like I'm repeating myself over and over again but I don't think you will ever realise just how much you mean to me and how much I need you in life. I wish you would. You are my entire world and I would give anything to be ten years older so we could live together and do anything we want because then this wouldn't be so hard. I love with everything I am Jack, forever and always. Just know you hold my heart forever, I'm only damaged goods now anyway. I love you.

I wrote this a year ago nearly and nothing has changed. Letting you go was the biggest mistake I made. I still love you. You are still my entire wolrd. Without you my life is nothing. I'm barely existing without you. I try not to remember you, or think about you because when I do, I die a little more. I lost my heart to you. I am lost. I can't find my way back to who I once was. You are all I can remember. Maybe one day I'll actually send you this, maybe one day we'll cross paths again. You'll be happy with her, and I'll be stuck, like this. I love you, still. After everything you did to me, you destroyed me to the point of being suicidal but I still love you. Nothing will stop me loving you. But you are happy now. Happy without me. And it's killing me. I'm dying without you. Please come back to me. I need you.
I love you, forever and always,
Sinead x

I wrote him a letter, nearly a year ago. The last paragraph is what I added today. I have a whole pack of quotes about him. Maybe one day I'll be brave enough to post them to him. Maybe. Sorry about posting it. I just felt I needed to.